The lessons are coming thick and fast. After acknowledging and dealing with my social media addiction, forgiving myself for being selfish and for giving myself a pat on the back for continuing to ‘put myself out there’ – has seen the universe giving me my ultimate test before I become the official ‘me’ in my launch next month.
Over the last few weeks, as previously written, I had been sending myself self sabotage messages. What if no one gets it? What if no one likes me? What if they think I’m a phoney etc etc. along side this negative inner dialog, I had also been asking for the universe to send me my first hater. I had constant thoughts about someone commenting something negative on one of my blog posts, on my Instagram or Facebook page. I wasn’t sure when the day would come when I would check my phone and see someone questioning my authenticity, my beliefs or anything in between. That one person who vocalises what I fear the most. The first one to criticise the ‘new’ me. Not behind my back, which I’m sure goes on, but to me directly – so I have to face my fear. I have seen these haters all around me, I have watched small businesses grow, and have watched their pool of followers turn from die hard supporters to then attracting a growing group of haters or trolls. It’s part and parcel of the keyboard warrior world we currently live in. Even the most influential, amazingly inspiring people still get haters. And let me tell you, that hater usually says a lot more about them than the target themselves, that’s pretty obvious. But what if I were to spin that theory on its head, and say – perhaps the target should take equal ownership of whatever is sent their way, good or bad? We attract what we fear.
Well. Ask and you shall recieve, right?!
Now, before I go into breaking this one down, I will give you a bit of background as to this message from this man I have dubbed as my ‘shadow angel Graeme’ – I don’t know this person, he does not know me. I have never spoken to him in my life. This was his very first (and last) contact with me. Turns out, he is (very) extended family to me, but that’s irrelevant. A beautiful family member of mine shared my blog with her loved ones, and I am extremely grateful that she did. She has given my shadow self a chance to send me one final test before I take on my new chapter 100%. I guess I have to make sure I’m prepared, I’m authentic and that I want this bad enough, right?
I must admit, if Graeme had have said this to me a few years ago, I certainly would not have reacted the way I have now. Yes, initially my thoughts were ‘ who the hell is this guy?!? Who do you think you are!!!’ But within seconds I consciously decided to truly listen. Back in the day I would probably have internet stalked him, made all sorts of horrible judgements about him, and most likely taken his bait and gone to town on it, turning it into a full blown internet sword fight right on my public forum for everyone to watch and eat popcorn to. But, as I have learnt, we must always pick our battles, and this one, well, this was no public battle. This one may as well been typed by my own hands. After all, he, is a type of shadow friend in my life. He has exposed my weakness to myself, although now I can safely say I don’t feel is as weak as I had believed. This was just one last internal battle I had to hash out with myself, once and for all.
My shadow angel Graeme has jested that I simply must be joking, how can anyone speak the way I do, about life, about spirituality, about whatever else I choose??!! How dare I choose to step out of the box, take a different path, question what I have been led to believe all those years? Surely it’s all crap???Surely, anyone who questions the norm, finds messages in the mundain must be crazy? Or worse, making it up?!! Check mate, shadow self. Check mate. I see what you did there. I see your last ditch attempt to stop me short of living my dreams. Of letting my fear get the better of me. I see you as a representation of all those people who are too scared to listen to their own spirit, the one who screams to be heard amongst a sea of other screaming souls. I see you as the big corporations, pounding lie after lie deep down into our skulls until we are numb to the pain, I see you for what you truly are – the greed, the control, the deceit, the bullying, the one who has no light to shine. I see you, I acknowledge you, and I thank you. I am grateful for this lesson. I am glad you gave me a chance to deal with this fear, now. What a perfectly timed gift, as usual.
And when given a chance to explain yourself, shadow self – you retreat to a childish retaliation of ‘get real’. You see, shadow self, this was the confirmation I needed to know I truly am doing something right. You have come to me with no new information, no new constructive critism to take on board. No light to expose anything new, or different. You have told me to ‘get real’ – and I ask, what is real? Surely every single individual life form on this planet, has their own version of what real is, therefore, how on earth could I know how to get anyone else’s kind of ‘realness’? And further more, why would I want anyone else’s ‘realness’? I have created my own reality. This IS my real. It is different to everyone else’s, we are all unique. That is what makes life so special. I do see now that my shadow self/former self was far too hung up on what she thought was meant to be a socially acceptable real. The one where everyone makes life decisions based on what other people would like to see you do, or what would make you seem to fit in more.
It is sad that my shadow self felt it needed to make a last ditch attempt at sucking me back into a place where I don’t feel individual, where I felt I was just another number. Just another rat in the race. I do understand why I was given this message, though. It has confirmed to me my passion for finding and speaking my own truth. I have realised that Graeme – or as I can now see reads more like ‘Grae ME’ aka ‘grey me’ is the me that is scared, the me that lives in the grey area of life – the me that isn’t clear headed, that lived in the fog all those years. Thankfully, I have chosen my life in full colour now, one where my eyes see everything clearly, and my intuition now shines a bright light upon the messages I need to see. I don’t even wear my glasses anymore! I haven’t worn them in weeks and I don’t know why. I’m sure my eye sight hasn’t changed, (according to an optometrist) but something inside me just said ‘ditch the specs, four eyes’ and I just did. So you see (pun intended), I’ve created my new reality. Yes, there will always be grey areas in life, but that’s the mystery to unfold. As long as I continue to come out of the grey and back onto my rainbow, riding a freakin’ unicorn, I’ll be ok.
FYI I did get real. I’m so real right now that my life is unreal. My relationships are all where I want them to be, I fall more in love with my beautiful child more and more each day, I’m really happy with my body weight and overall health, my lifestyle and diet choices are going from strength tostrength, I don’t wake up of a morning and instantly think negative thoughts about my day (which I always used to do when I worked full time in fashion) – so yes, absolutely – that’s not real at all, grey me, that is bloody unreal! I don’t care if anyone thinks my words are all a big load of bullshit – at least I’m taking the time to get to know my real self, and to shape a new reality that I can look back on one day and be proud and say that I truly made a difference where it counted, that I changed lives, that I lived my truth and that I had a life full of happiness, and I lived on my terms only. I would much rather sit pretty on this load of crap, than the one I previously compiled from everyone else’s reality – and man; that was a steaming load of crap indeed!
So, as ‘grey me’ has helped me to question – what is real? How do you get it? What makes up your reality? Is it a reflection of the real you? Or is it more a reality from someone else that doesn’t nessissarily reflect the real you, inside? Looking back; I know now that the life I had before I had my son was not the reality I would have chosen for myself, had I listened to my spirit sooner… But it was important that I did everything I did, in order to be in the place I am, mind/body/soul right now.
When you live one reality, but dream of another – you are not real-ly you. Taking the time to piece together what it was that I really wanted in my reality (real-i-ty aka tie myself to what’s real) saved me. So what if my reality is that I blog about listening to little voices, that I value harmony more than drama, I no longer want to be judgemental or bitter, my family will always come first or that I believe in self care and the power of the human mind, body and soul and not the man in a white coat with the scalpel. Does that mean you have to believe those things too, in order to be real?! Hell no! But I do believe that if you know one thing to be true and right for you, but you don’t listen and you just dumb yourself down in order to please others, than you lose. Every time. I choose to just do me. To win at being me. That’s the most real I can get.
Love, light and gratitude to grey me,