In past posts I have shared with you about my journey with regards to feeling ‘reborn’ again after the birth of my beautiful son, late 2012. A chance to be present; to stop working for ‘the man’ and to spend that time with myself and get to know myself again, as a mum, as a new woman.
Before falling pregnant, I was what I liked to call a “fat skinny person”. I didn’t consider myself overweight, but I did feel like I was meant to be thinner; as in, I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and felt like I wasn’t my true size/weight/shape. In high school, I was always quite thin (although, I always said I was ‘fat’ as teen girls unfortunately do) but ate a really bad diet; so I would never have called myself healthy back then. I’ve always been curvy, busty and freakily. I used to hate that about myself, but those things don’t even make me blink these days.
Throughout last year and to date – I’ve dropped around 15kg since pre-pregnancy. I would never have thought I had that much excess weight to drop, nor that it was possible the way it has happened for me. I didn’t even consciously say I wanted to lose that amount of weight, just to simply drop a few so I felt more ‘me’.
Over the weekend I caught up with family and friends who hadn’t seen me in a while and a reoccurring comment was on my weight. “where’s the rest of you?” “what have you been doing?” “your so skinny!” – I honestly didn’t know how to respond because I guess I live in my own little bubble and didn’t realise how much I had changed, and (here’s where it might annoy you) I hadn’t really done anything drastic to drop it – so I didn’t feel proud or wasn’t looking for the praise for my efforts; I even felt a bit guilty?! I fumbled through my responses, grasping at anything to say as my big ‘secret’.
I mean, I still eat bread, I still eat pasta, I still get hot chips when I feel like them and my kryptonite at the moment is a soy very vanilla chiller from Gloria Jeans. Yes, I know these things don’t fit into the ‘optimal health’ category; but I do also eat a vegetarian, near vegan diet – with plenty of fresh organic produce, smoothies, real juices and I try and cook everything myself from scratch to have better control of things like preservatives and over processed crap. I feel like I’m definitely much more healthy with my diet than I once was, and I know I still have a way to go; but I am enjoying the process, I will not give up anything I feel I need for the *right* reasons. I also don’t do enough exercise; however do still breastfeed which is equivalent to some cardio energy burning stuff, and I do try and walk or do yoga a few times a week. But that’s it. No busting my arse at bootcamps, no making myself run when I would rather sleep. I have literally just honoured the things I enjoy doing and eating. That’s it.
So, my REAL response to everyone is this hypothesis I have come up with. It’s probably not a medically proven thing, it may or may not really exist, but in my world – its the only thing that makes sense. Yes there are loads of contributing factors; but this is the only one true thing that brings it altogether for me.
I’ve been on the spirit diet.
It’s really quite hard to explain, but I’m going to just rattle off my thoughts on it all. You see, by becoming more consciously aware of the things I put into my body, the things I do to my body, and also of what I actually love to do on a day to day basis, I feel like my physical body has simply just fallen into line with that. Like my mind/body/spirit is all in the same place, working together in harmony, finally.
I have no physical ailments that I’m aware of, I’m able to thrive on less sleep (even though sleep is very important to me, and I always honour that when I’m tired) and I don’t have any outrageous mood swings, or binge eating habits like I used to. I don’t crave things nearly as much as I used to – so now I can stop at one biscuit instead of 10. It just doesn’t interest me, it doesn’t “fill” me the way it used to. I was unfulfilled spiritually, so I compensated by indulging the in the wrong things.
The fact that I’m also back to my high school weight has got me thinking. What’s the common theme between then and now? spiritual fulfilment. In high school; I enjoyed almost every day. I was ALWAYS creating something – I would draw costumes for dances in class, I would go home and paint shirts or make earrings. I would read tarot with my mum or my friends. I would choreograph hip hop dances for talent quests and school events. I was in my element. After that amazing few years of overdosing on the stuff I loved; I obviously had a void to fill when I entered “the real world”. I wasn’t allowed to do those things anymore because we were conditioned to go to uni, travel the world or get full-time work. What the hell kind of job would allow me to paint sparkles, burn incense and play Missy Elliot while I popped and locked eating hot chips? Yeah. Dream on girl. Enter downward spiral.
My point is – I’m slowly coming back to that now. That place where “work” didn’t really exist, and life was all about creating, playing, exploring and learning. So essentially, my body has just falling into line of it’s own truth, as I have consciously decided to align with mine by working hard in mind and spirit.
It’s not easy though; I’m not saying to just start being spiritual and you will be skinny. No way. It’s about just doing things more out of love, being true to yourself and not doing things because “you have to” – who the f@$k says?! You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be; you just have to accept yourself and then decide to want to be the real you.
Carrying excess weight for me was a security blanket; sheltering me from the big bad world of my dreams. Element, by element – I have taken off layers on my own aura (spirit), off my own conditioning (mind) and thus, my own weight (body). I busted about a million fears over the past 12 months, and every time another one disappears, I drop a KG or two.
Like I said, I have no idea if this is a real ‘thing’ – but this is what I believe about my own journey. Pretty cool, huh?
If I can tell you one thing though – is that this feels so bloody fantastic. To wake up and not feel like crap, to not let other peoples sadness penetrate me the way it used to; to look in the mirror and my weight not even cross my mind in the slightest; to now have the problem that I don’t fit into any of my old clothes and I want to?! To just do almost anything because it just feels right. Eat that chocolate if it feels right; make a smoothie if it feels right. Don’t juice for a month, if it feels right. Hell to the yeah. This is what a ‘diet’ should feel like. Like I have done nothing but follow my intuition. My bliss.
By no means do I think I’m perfect; but I’m definitely close to the perfect me. The kind of person I would admire – the one who doesn’t follow the latest diet fads, doesn’t pop pills to numb the pain, the one who knows what she wants, and gets it. The one who doesn’t do it if she doesn’t like it. The person who didn’t have weight goals, didn’t want to be a certain size or shape or colour or want to be any celebrity, but just wanted to feel like they were their true self, whatever that may be.
There are still things I do that I am not proud of or don’t follow my intuition, but I am very aware of them. I accept them. I know that about myself, and I forgive myself. I know what needs to be done, and I will do them in an organic way.
I want you to do a bit of thinking, about the time in your life you felt most ‘at home’ within yourself. When were you the most happy? what did your body look like? how did you feel? perhaps the secret to your weight is locked up in that place. What were you doing then that you aren’t doing now? Maybe its time to bring her back, you never know what might happen in the other parts of your world.
Or, on the other hand – where are you denying yourself in life? food restrictions? too much thrashing of your body? not following your dreams? not thinking for yourself? Maybe in there lies the clue to your weight issues, too.
Love, light & 15kg of fear busting