Breakdowns & breakthroughs

breakthrough.jpgThe last few weeks have been a roller coaster of spiritual, emotional, physical and mental breakdowns and breakthroughs.

I’ve had some of the highest and lowest days on record.

I’m writing this on a plane, on my trip from Townsville to Brisbane where I will be attending my aunties funeral for the day. This morning (amongst the sadder thoughts) I thought ‘yes! I will actually have some down time today to read a book on the plane, I have so many I want to read – which one do I take?’

I chose this. The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks.

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No idea why (at the time) I had 3 others in my hand that were all more spiritual and deep things, but I thought – no. That’s not what I need today. Give me something powerful, straight forward and BIG.

Well, I’m about half way in and the message is already abundantly clear. This book is all about reaching your upper limits of joy and basically how we have conditioned ourselves to self sabotage our joy, happiness and success.

Here’s what I’m talking about in action.

Cue a couple of Fridays ago. I was on an absolute high; I was led to a really key part of my marketing direction for The Fifth Element Life and I spent hours just submerging myself in new information and direction. I was high on life and felt a huge sense of comfort in knowing that something big was just on the horizon, I could feel it. This coincided with me finding a new friend here who walks a similar path to me who has also answered a lot of my calls out to the universe for support, sisterhood, clarity, friendship and fun! She even led me to the hip hop dance classes I had been searching for and craving for months (years).

So this Friday night was special. We had set up my sons bike cart and we took our first bike ride to the farmers markets! A huge dream of mine was now finally fulfilled!

Here we are on our first ride together!

Here we are on our first ride together!

Then was my first dance class, moving my body and mind the way it had been craving for ages. I came home to a clearer mind and discovered some amazingness for my business. This is how the elements work. When they are finally all in harmony, magic happens. I was finally filling the void of moving my body, perusing my passion for dance (all fire element stuff) and syncronocity was prevailing.

Then Saturday came. In the span of a matter of hours I was informed that my aunty (dads sister) had taken a turn for the worse and was in hospital (she had been re diagnosed with cancer two weeks prior). She had only a matter of days left (possibly hours) in her physical body. The fact that this was happening was devastating enough as it was; but to put into perspective for myself – it dug up all those same emotions and experiences on the day I lost my own dad two weeks after he was re-diagnosed with cancer and passed in an eerily similar manor. I was reliving that day again and I felt for my cousins who were about to embark on that same journey too.

As if that wasn’t enough bad news; in a separate incident, another aunt (mums side) was in a freak accident and fractured/broke 20+ bones in her back, ribs and shoulder.

What the fuck is this, universe?! How is it that I have come from such a high to the ultimate low in a matter of hours?

(please note: I’m not saying that these things are all about me, they are unrelated to an extent but what I’m coming to realise is that if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else. I do believe there is power in the collective thought so we draw these things/events to us subconsciously.)

The week following was very hard. I lost my aunty to cancer (rest in peace earth angel) and I allowed myself to go back to those memories of my father and truly feel what I was feeling. I reached out to my community, since I live away from most of my loved ones it was the only way to get through.

I allowed my days to flow into the next, without expectations, without goals or direction. It was what I needed.

In true Sarah form I was asking why was this happening? Why can’t I just enjoy my successes and happiness for longer than an hour or so?

According to this book, it was because I wasn’t allowing it to be possible. Somewhere deep down, I’m saying to myself that I am not worthy of that feeling for extended periods of time. **The big leap is now educating me on how to break through this and change these thought patterns**

So then as is the circle of life, I went another 180 and by Friday I was starting to get back to that ‘normal-ness’ I knew and went on my family bike ride to the markets and did my second hip hop dance class. Here we go, I’m coming back! I say to myself.

Cue self sabotage: I pull my groin muscle. I can barely do the routine and every time we go through it it gets worse. Cheers, body. Now I can’t twerkit. (Seriously…..twerking injury).

I wake up Saturday morning. My groin muscle is fine. Message received. That was just a cheeky mind game last night.

Saturday night: It all falls into place. I’m laying in bed, I can’t switch off. It’s 1am, and I have the ‘ah-ha’ moment. Wow. Everything becomes so clear; it was all there in front of me but I had to be patient and trust this process; which I had been practicing all week in my down time. Allowing myself to just be in the moment, honor my feelings and just know that everything would eventually pan out. I allowed this shift to occur and all of these puzzle pieces to magically come together when they were ready.

3am Sunday: I’ve got a whole page of notes in my phone, I’ve got two huge business breakthroughs and most importantly now I know the best way to market my vision. Holy shit batman. Life’s about to get real!

Fast forward to me in this moment. on the plane about to attend my aunties funeral and I know today will be hard and I am accepting and open to this day.

Trusting the ebbs and flows of my life now are much more clear. Trying to push something out that is not ready to eventuate, trying to pressure myself to make magic happen has done me no good. I must just focus on the flow and feel accordingly.

Creativity and emotional expression (water element) = √ check

Passion and movement/action/desire (fire element) = √ check

Mind stimulation/powerful thought and strength (air element) = √ check

Reconnection with nature, nurturing self and allowing abundance (earth element) = √ check

Listening to my intuition, following my spirit cues and trusting my vision (spirit element) = √ check!

It’s all connected. To eat my own words ‘Everything is connected and anything is possible’ – the last few weeks have been a perfect example of this. You neglect one element of your life, in favour of another. You show great success/passion/joy for one area and have been taught that that feeling can’t possibly be felt in other aspects of your life. You can’t have it all. Well, guess what. You can. That’s all bullshit. Those limitations? Don’t exist.

You can have the career you want, the home you want, the love you want, the family you want, the friends you want, the passion you want, the body you want and the lifestyle you want. All together. At the same time. You can feel joy, happiness and bliss for longer periods of time than an hour or so you have always given yourself in the past. I’m learning now that I’ve been self sabotaging for far too long and the real work to be done is not in busting my ass to build my empire, whilst being a doting mum, partner etc etc, it’t just breaking down my own perceptions of myself and telling myself I am worthy. I am allowed to have everything I want.

Big stuff, right?

So even though it’s been a super hard few weeks, I’m coming out of the other side with a new perception of my world.



Love, light & breakdowns

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One thought on “Breakdowns & breakthroughs

  1. niki cotton

    I hope today wasn’t too awful. It’s good to have engaged with memory lane that all of today will have taken you down but it doesn’t make it any less painful. There are no words to make any of it easier either. Just a feeling that tomorrow is a new day and it will feel brighter.
    It is easy when you are low to feel that the ball of ever increasing shite just keeps being rolled at you too, even if its not directly at you it seems to ricochet out. I’ve been there for a while. Christmas just gone I decided I had had enough. Yes, there will still be moments of utter shite and darkness through life but from now on I am welcoming the light and silver linings. They may be hard to spot at times but I am searching them out!
    I also had a non week last week, I was meant to be uploading my prints and paintings to sell on my website. The shop is sitting there in anticipation but after some serious time with my thoughts I realised I was sabotaging all my hard work myself (why???), finding excuses why it cant be done, when I realised, the problem is my fear, fear of failure. Fear of what if when I have uploaded my work no one buys it? What if it all just sits there looking pretty but unsold? If I don’t upload it then I need never look that fear in the face. I have made a pact with myself to look right at the silly fear and by the end of the week I have to have uploaded at least 5 pieces of work…. (watch this space!) I also had a panic attack on Monday evening at the gym (thank god I knew everyone pretty well in the class!) I think it was a delayed reaction to hearing my brothers voice on the phone Saturday when I wasn’t paying full attention and he sounded so like my dad…. loss is a funny old thing….. big loves you hip hopping groovy bunny xxx


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